Thoughts while undergoing an MRI
It went well. The machine looked and worked just like the ones you see…on TV? In the movies? Wherever you see MRI machines, I don’t know.
The usual things they warn you about—being in a tiny tube, the jackhammer noise—weren’t so bad. Though I have my fair share of irrational fears, claustrophobia is not one of them.
The biggest surprise was how long it took. I was expecting to pop in there for five or ten minutes, but it was more like an hour. The timestamps below are approximate—when you’re lying still for an hour with no indication of the outside world apart from the thrumming of the machine, your sense of time gets all jacked up.
The most uncomfortable part, by the way, was the brace they used to hold my head still. Try this: Put one fist on each cheekbone and squeeze them toward your nose. I’ll be back in an hour—you let me know how that feels.
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8:30 - A second gown? To hide my ass? How thoughtful of you!
8:33 - Ooh, someone brought muffins! Can I eat in the tube? No? Damn.
8:35 - The MRI tech looks puzzled when she sees my lump. She asks if it’s from an injury. I say no. “Well…I guess…we’re going to see what it is? Maybe rule out…some things?” Awesome, very reassuring.
8:36 - Damn, I was hoping there wouldn’t be any needles involved. What helps: telling me the needle is much smaller than the one used to draw blood. What doesn’t: telling me it comes near the end of the procedure. Now I have the whole time to think about it.
8:39 - Gosh, they’re really strapping me down. I’ll lie still, I promise.
8:40 - This isn’t a small tube at all. It’s bigger than I am, and that’s all that matters. No point in opening my eyes anyway . . . nothing to look at but a blue stripe.
8:42 - Jackhammers? Nah, sounds more like an air-conditioning unit.
8:45 - And now it sounds like an ultrasound, but louder.
8:56 - Ah, it stopped. I can breathe again. [Tech reminds me to breathe slowly.] What? There’s more?
9:05 - Don’t think about needles. Don’t think about needles. Don’t think about needles. I am thinking about the bottom of my left foot. I am thinking very, very hard.
9:12 - Hmmm, this is kind of hypnotic. I wonder how long I’ve been in here. Surely it’s almost over.
9:14 - How do they get kids to lie still for this? Seems like it’d be impossible.
9:17 - And now it’s clicking. No, clanging. Like a steel drum.
9:18 - OH. *Those* jackhammers.
9:19 - I bet this would make an interesting video. There are so many different sounds here—it’s like trance music. I need to remember the sounds so I can replicate them somehow. If I don’t fall asleep.
9:23 - Aha! They knock them out. I remember now.
9:24 - Aren’t they gonna take me out? There’s still this needle thing we have to do.
9:25 - I’ll call it “MRI Remix.” But what can I use as a visual? A blue stripe? Images of MRI machines? Medical-y things? Something completely unrelated?
9:26 - Uh-oh. I’m moving. Don’t think about needles. Don’t think about needles. Don’t think about needles. Don’t think about OMG COULDN’T YOU HAVE PREPARED ALL THAT WHILE I WAS IN THE TUBE JUST STAB ME IN THE HAND AND LET’S GET IT OVER WITH.
9:27 - Well then. That was nothing. But now it’s cold. Very very cold inside my arm. Back in the tube, hooray!
9:29 - What did she say? Eight more minutes? That’s cool. You know, my face is starting to hurt a little. I wish I could move.
9:33 - For this part I would use a washing machine.
9:34 - Okay, I’m really excited about this video now. I want to share it with the world already, but it’ll take more than a day to do, and I want to post an update on the MRI before the end of today. I should start remembering my thoughts so I can blog them—I’m sure people will be FASCINATED.
9:37 - I used to have hands, I think. Feet, too. But now it’s hard to say, as I haven’t moved them in . . . how long has it been? An hour, maybe?
9:39 - Ok, ow. This is not eight minutes; I must’ve misheard her. I hope I get out soon, because my cheekbones are really starting to ache.
9:40 - My face hurts.
9:41 - My face hurts.
9:42 - My face hurts.
9:43 - My face hurts. You know, I could squeeze the “panic ball” and come out. I don’t want to cause anyone any trouble, though, or make them redo it. Surely we’re almost done. I can stand it for a little while longer—it’s only pain. People have been through worse.
9:44 - My face hurts.
9:45 - Trying to think of something else . . . a warm sunny beach, perhaps? How cliché, and how totally unappealing. I’m not a beach person. Oh, and my face hurts.
9:46 - My face hurts, and now I have to pee.
9:47 - My face hurts.
9:48 - MY FACE HURTS.
9:49 - MY FACE—HOORAY! Out I go! Ah, sweet cheekbone relief. No more tube for me!
9:51 - I can keep the socks? Rock.
9:52 - Okay, so I have to walk now, like, with my legs and stuff. And put on clothes? Ugh. This “outside world” thing sucks. I want to go back in the tube.
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Wasn’t that fun? It was almost like you were there with me!
I could’ve stayed in there for hours, if it weren’t for the head clamp. The thrumming and booming and clanking sounds are almost hypnotic.
Two business days until the doctor gets the results. I’m glad I didn’t do this on a Thursday.
Tags: Larry the Lump
March 21st, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I have a Larry the Lump…and named it that several weeks ago. I live with a man naamed Larry. I feel like these lumps are caused or made worse from stress…and I blame alot of my stress on Larry. I’m seeing a pain specialist on Tuesday because this lump in my shoulder ha feels like it’s going up the side of my neck and behind my ear. I’ve been told it’s coming from my spine however. Anyway, I’m looking forward to hearing about how your MRI turned out. I’m sure when I see the doc on tuesday he will want to do an MRI as well. My lumps are not as large as yours. The one in my or near my shoulder blade is hard and feels round and moves around a bit when we push on it. I have some large Lipomas on my leg and one on my arm that’s why I’m hoping that is what thiss one called Larry is, only “larry” is causing trouble…some pain, while the others are not.
Just thought I’d tell you about my Larry.