Prepoceros

Despite my low expectations [see: yesterday’s whine-o-rama], today was a wonderful day, the best I’ve had in weeks. I proctored two tests, during which I got an amazing amount of work done, and taught one fabulous lesson*.

I felt strangely clear-headed and awake the whole day. I could focus for more than ten minutes at a time, and what’s more, I actually *wanted* to work on my lab report. I haven’t wanted to do schoolwork in a long, long time. I mean, theoretically, somewhere in my head, the subjects I’m learning seem fun, but every time I’ve sat down to actually complete an assignment, especially something open-ended like a paper, I’ve gotten this overwhelming feeling of distaste and frustration and omg-what-can-I-possibly-do-to-get-out-of-this.

I had to completely rewrite about two-thirds of the report. Composed in my usual “foggy” state of mind, it was full of mistakes and disorganized half-thoughts. Before, it had looked easy enough from a distance, but every time I tried to make progress I got all confused and turned around and couldn’t get hold of the big picture.

But today! What had earlier seemed like a daunting, complex task suddenly broke down into obvious steps. Some of the steps required careful thought, yes, but the problem wasn’t insoluble. I knew this stuff couldn’t possibly be as hard as the time and confusion I’d spent on it would’ve suggested. Sweet Jesus, I have half a brain left in me. Hallelujah.

Sorry, I know I’m over-dramatizing, as is my wont, but do you know how this feels? To feel yourself getting dumber every day, unable to will your lazy brain to complete even the simplest tasks? To stare at an assignment for a class you should love and find yourself wishing you were anywhere else? To realize that the reason you’re not doing your schoolwork is that you “just don’t like doing things that are hard”**? And then, all of a sudden, to have bestowed upon you a great clarity of mind, descending from out of the blue? Motivation. Energy***. FOCUS. Wow. Wowdy-wow-wow.

I don’t know what this is, but I like it. I credit the Nutella*^.

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* Woo trig! Woo anything-but-the-SAT, really. Consistency is nice, but getting a chance to teach actual *concepts* (not just tips and tricks) and make up my own “lesson plan” and practice problems every once in a while is a breath of fresh air.

** I realized this a couple days ago. It’s a stupid, stupid, feeling, and not one that anyone would ever sympathize with. “Oh, you don’t like doing hard things? Awww, poor baby, let me rub your feet.” Right. Ugh, gross. I’m hoping I was mistaken, or that this can change.

*** I was also surprised at how strong I felt today, and how much energy I had. This evening, at the end of a long day, I walked all the way across campus and back carrying my purse, backpack, and laptop…with a spring in my step. I even swapped my purse (worn across my body, under my backpack) and my laptop bag (outside my backpack) without dropping anything, *without taking off my backpack*, without even breaking stride. This is usually impossible for me.

*^ Two footnotes here. First, this morning Wendy made me an English muffin with Nutella and bananas for breakfast. It was scrumptious and, apparently, magical. Second, I’m not sure whether to capitalize ‘Nutella.’ It’s a proper name (not in the dictionary), but the logo is written with a lowercase ‘n.’ As you’ve seen by now, I’ve decided that the logo is just a picture and have chosen to stick with big ‘N.’ This is all relevant to your life somehow, I’m sure.

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EDIT (3:56) — A minute ago, as I was about to drift off to sleep, I reflected on today’s strange state of mind and thought, “Gosh, wouldn’t it suck if I had a brain tumor?” There you have it, folks: proof that I can twist ANYTHING into something about which to worry irrationally. Dammit, now I’ll never get to sleep.

Tags: brain pills, school, teaching

This entry was posted on Monday, September 11th, 2006 at 2:38 am and is filed under miscellany. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.