If you’ve been having a good day, you’ll probably want to skip this one
Have you ever been smacked in the face by your own mortality? You know, when the philosophical idea of death and leaving-things-behind and non-existence suddenly becomes SO REAL and you feel like you’re in the worst nightmare you’ve ever had but can’t wake up? When it’s so terrible and unfathomably gut-wrenching that you can’t even cry?
Despair doesn’t even begin to describe it. There is a chasm of difference between knowing that you’re going to die and KNOWING that you’re going to die, that all that stands between you and utter annihiliation is this body, this fragile, aging, disease-prone lump of flesh. And you realize that time is passing, and that there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, and you feel powerless and alone. There is no solution; all you can do is distract yourself somehow with day-to-day trivia. You wish you could forget. You wish there were a God out there you could talk to and be comforted by. You wish you were religious; if it doesn’t matter in the end, why *not* be blissfully ignorant?
Has this ever happened to you every couple weeks or so for several months? Because it’s fucking depressing. Crushing, spirit-shattering, heavy, ugly, horrible, unbearable. There is no worse feeling—how could there be? At least I have a puppy now; although he’ll never understand, he can at least be warm and cuddly and distracting. I only wish he were bigger than me and could hold me when I’m scared.
I’m going to bed now. The sooner I fall asleep, the sooner I can forget and go back to actually living like a normal person. God, sometimes I wish I were shallow. I’d been having a pretty good day, but all of a sudden my whole evening’s been ruined. I hope I didn’t ruin yours as well, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
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P.S. I feel like I should reassure the world that I really am a happy person. Really. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. It’s just every now and then that I remember the tragedy that is life and fall into utter despair. The feeling disappears by the time I wake up, after which I can go about my life again. I promise I’m okay.
Tags: religion
January 10th, 2006 at 3:59 pm
‘think I totally know what you’re talking about. They’re not easy questions to deal with, especially when you have no ‘faith system’ to clutch on to. But honestly, wouldn’t (or rather, couldn’t) have it any other way! I’d write more, but I suck at sounding coherent. Anyway, I started reading ‘Darwin’s Dangerous Idea’ by Dennett the other day at BN, I think you might like it. Also, if you’d like someone to chat the ideas out with, you know my sn. I’m really into this crap
take care.