Same shit, different year
I got home at 8:00. It is now 1:38. I have done no work. It’s not that I couldn’t finish, that I ran out of time, that I had too much to do—it’s that all I’ve done today is gone to class, worked in the office, and taught a lesson. Maybe six hours total.
Homework? Timesheet? Writing assignment? Haven’t touched ‘em. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think my ass has left this chair since 8:01. I’ve probably noticed the room around me twice in all of those however-many hours. The rest of the time, I was busy burning out my retinas staring at this here computer screen.
I don’t even remember much of what I did, really. Nothing interesting or productive, just things that could be done for a long, long time without a break in concentration, because then I don’t have to think. I don’t have any responsibilities. I don’t have to be me any more.
I know this feeling; I’ve been here before. Many, many times. I don’t claim to have a monopoly on this mood–everyone probably feels this way sometimes, or else we wouldn’t have Minesweeper, video games, recreational drugs, etc.—but I’m sure I’ve allowed it to dominate my life more than most people have.
I don’t like this feeling. Well, I do, but when I “come out of it,” I feel worse than I did to start with. In that way, it’s very much like an addiction—I’m addicted to not-working. I don’t mean to make light of addiction, as I know it’s a terrible thing. I’ve never been addicted to anything (sugar doesn’t count, I’m sure), so I can’t say that I’ve struggled with the pain and the crushing weight of a “real” addiction. Still, I see where addicts are coming from. It’s good, but it’s bad. And it’s bad precisely because it is so, so good.
[Rereading this, it sounds vague, but I didn’t mean it that way. I’ve tried to fix it, and this is the clearest description I’ve come up with of what’s muddling around in my head. If it sounds like I’m hinting at something and purposely talking around it and obscuring the details…I’m not. I mean what I say, straight up.]
Anyway, like I was saying, this is the bad place, this place I’m at now. The place you’re probably sick of hearing me prattle on about from back when I was at Mudd (if you’ve been around that long). Since I’ve been on leave, I’ve only had to deal with the not-working thing occasionally, mostly because I haven’t had much unstructured, unscheduled work to do. But now that I’m back in school it seems like I’ve picked up right where November left off.
I can NOT be crashing this soon. It’s the SECOND WEEK of school, for crying out loud. Usually this crap takes a month or so to kick in. Well, it used to take a whole semester back in high school, then a couple months, then a month…and now a week, apparently.
I must not be fighting hard enough, because that’s ridiculous. A week? I can’t hold my shit together for a week? I’m twenty-one years old, for gosh sakes; time to get with the program.
But I know I shouldn’t be angry with myself. I’ve tried that before, and it’s not productive. I’ll just try again—this quarter’s still plenty salvageable. Look, there I go again. Second week, and already I’m planning to fail. How is that helping?
I wish I could unplug my computer and channel the wild success (77 days and counting) of my TV-unplugging project (no pun intended). Maybe I’ll experiment with unplugging the cable box every now and then, as most of what I need to do doesn’t require internet access. Hmmm.
On the bright side, however, as I type this I’m feeling pretty fucking beautiful. This may or may not have something to do with my having spent the last hour or so (the hour before the hour I spent writing this post, rather) at SuicideGirls. Looking at pretty people makes me feel pretty, too.
I’m glad this isn’t livejournal because I bet they don’t have one of those mood smileys that means “frustrated and quietly despairing…but damn sexy.”
Tags: miscellany